... scars

Scars. This topic has been brewing in my mind for the last month. Not quite sure what brought this topic up but it has not left me since. For easily over 30 days now, my ears have been overly sensitive to pin-pointing hurt when people talk about their past or future. So why scars and why now? These two questions may never be answered but I am continually seeking and trying to have an open mind.

There are two types of scars that I am most familiar with. The first type is the typical someone broke your trust, stole from you, or betrayed you. These scars can be healed over time. The second type is (in my opinion) the popular one but no one wants to talk about—someone has deeply hurt you and you seek revenge (sometimes people are not the best judgment of character), or someone’s actions/words changed the course of your life. These scars are put together with super glue but remain infected, looming, growing in size. They seem unforgivable. 

Take a moment and ask yourself—am I thankful for that scar? Yes, I am asking you to see a different side of your pain, your dark moments. I am asking you to realize that maybe that scar made you stronger, a warrior, and a better person to others. Sometimes it is hard to let go of a scar because it is all we have known as a driving force in our life. It is a crutch when something goes wrong. There is no more time for the scapegoat, but fix your eyes on who you are now. Fact: the past is the past and nothing you do today or tomorrow can change that. So stop trying. Simple, right? There is a great quote by Soren Kierkegaard: life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

It is hard when you ask someone about their past or what they want to do with their lives. If you truly want to get to know someone, do not ask about goals. No, that is a vague answer and it allows the person to maintain their walls. Instead, ask them who they want to be or what they want to overcome. Listen carefully not just to the words, but listen to their passion on the subject, and the peaks in their story. People give away their fears and damages in their past to anyone who will listen. The key is caring to ask  the right question (avoid yes or no questions) and listening to the cues for an invitation to dig deeper. This is my favorite part: digging when invited. I do not dig to know juicy details about someone’s life or to see what horrible events they have overcome. I like to prod because I have found out that in life we have not always had someone to walk through with us in the dark valleys. Maybe it even feels like everyone has become distant. Reread that last sentence. What are the odds of all your family and friends becoming distant at the same time? Unless you won the lottery, bought your own island and said, “Screw you all,” why couldn't it be YOU that has become distant from everyone else? Seems like a good time to re-check yourself.

Somewhere along your journey in this jagged world, you forgot who you are and that you could possibly matter in this world. It’s a slow fade from who you were to who you are now.  Then all of a sudden inserts a panic, could possibly be known as a mid-life crisis, and remorse steps in as you mull over your past and where you should be. No regrets, right? Yet, we all have them. We all have valued security over being truthful.  Quoting Parker Palmer, “refusal is risky, so we deny our own truth, take up lives of ‘self impersonation,’ and betray our identities.” Isn't it ironic that we are born “unique” but that is the first thing we continue to try to change – who we are? Ian Wallace asked, “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?”

I never really understood the power of “inner healing.” In fact, I was probably someone who laughed when someone talked about it. I laughed because of the condition of my heart and then Jesus pointed me toward that direction. Simply put-- I will never be the same insignificant, insecure, women in this world. I had an amazing spiritual leader who would walk with me, talking about everything, trying to see where God was. This caused me to realize that there is only one reality. One. Not two or three. How many realities do you live with?  How many masks do you hide behind? Aren't you tired avoiding yourself yet? Are you willing to open your sealed vault and explore your true self? If you said no, you are normal. Why? Because that is opening something you want sealed, never to think about, ever again; it is dark and unwelcoming so why jump. Maybe you have even tried to black out the event.  If successful, the event is still there just hiding in the darkness. Being able to name your hurt/pain is powerful, not weakness.

This past week I met up with some family members for lunch to celebrate birthdays. As I was listening to family tell stories, which they are excellent at, my grandma started talking about one of her “friends” back when she was a little girl. She talked about how a ring was stolen by her friend when grandma was showing it off at school, being able to recall her friends name along with others around her. Grandma did not have a lot growing up so possessing a ring to this caliber was a recent occasion. After all the kids around grandma viewed the ring, passing it around to the group, the ring never came back. Grandma even asked her friend and she denied taking it. To this day, 60+ years ago, this young girls name remembered, trust is tainted, and the scar remains, unhealed.

Scars have the ability to remind us that the past is real. They remind us that we are triumphant, warriors of our conquest.  They also remind us that people have been scared by our doing. So the next time you do something not true to self, stop and reevaluate. You owe at least that to your true self. If you don’t know what you want, then find out. That’s not selfish by any degree—it’s called healing. You have plenty of time to rediscover your passions in life or what travel plans you want to go on next. No longer can you live behind the wall of security. No more victim card.

It is a new year, literally. C.S. Lewis leads us into the new year: “there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”